I went home friday, planning to stay for the day only (doctor's appointment). I got very, very sick. I am still here six days later, which is the longest time I've spent at home since moving out in October.

When I moved into my new apartment, I was annoyed when my mother was telling me how to decorate my room (with scarfs...like my old room), because I wanted this room to be dramatically different. I felt dramatically different.

I had a lot of trouble when deciding whether or not I was going to join my sorority during Fall 08. I eventually decided too, figuring that if I genuinely felt it was not for me, I would quit. No biggie.

Little did I realize there would be a whole, well-etablished, subtle routine of brainwashing techniques deployed that would helped "mold us into better women" and get to know our sisters better. I knew my sorority had a history of changing women from party girls to classy ladies (as they liked to say), but little did I realize that they would be doing this to me. MOLDING me into whatever the fuck kind of clone they needed so I would spit out whatever they hell they needed me to say to recruite more potential clones.

I lost my own self identity. Sure, its fine to be part of a group and fit in. But not if that price of fitting in comes at the cost of losing everything that makes you feel individual. I need a sense of "I". I don't need frat boys and parties, and protocols of how to drink while representing your sorority. ITS ALL BULLSHIT. I knew this when I was going through. Then I decided that I was going to "give my all" to my sorority.

We have to talk to potential new members in the fall. Many of them will ask us how much we cost. ...monetary value isn't a true figure.

I just wish that I had seen what was happening sooner. I thought I was HAPPY going out with my friends and living easy, drinking, being social. I am not a social creature. I was fighting nature then. I was not in balance. I know now why I did what I did from my last entry. If I'm not true to myself, there is never going to be any sense of harmony between my mind and my body. I know I was born in the wrong generation, I know many of my ideals are out of touch with today's materialist world, but I can't let other people tell me who I am.

P.S. Strep throat for almost a week makes eating very difficult. Even when eating no longer hurts.